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How to Handle a Three-Year-Old (Who Just Happens to Be Your Boss)

The two managers stare each other down, eyeball to eyeball.  Manager the First stamps a foot and demands to know why Manager the Second would participate in making an executive decision for a group over which he has no responsibility.  Second shouts back that the decision was made by higher-ups months previously and if First has issues about the situation he needs to take it up with his superiors.  First points a finger and demands to know the names of the individuals involved in making the decision; Second retorts that if First does not know who his bosses are in the chain of command then maybe he should not be a manager in the first place.  First explodes and tells Second that if the existing managerial staff had been more high-caliber it would not have been necessary to bring in First to clean up the mess.  Second yells back that there was no mess until First came in and started screwing things up with all his new ideas of management that obviously are not successful here.  And on and on it goes.

It sounds like a bad play performed by elementary school drama students.  Unfortunately, this is based on several real conversations I have had the privilege to witness first-hand in my years working for various companies.  The participants were adults in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s.  One occurred in front of other management staff, none of whom chose to intervene.  All started out civilly enough, until someone said something that sparked controversy.  Emotions fanned that spark into a flame that most in attendance decided was more entertaining than debilitating, therefore allowing the argument to continue.  Eventually things settled down, apologies were offered and accepted, and life continued on--after all, no harm done.

Except that is not the truth of the situation.  In fact, the professional reputations of the managers involved were damaged in the eyes of superiors and subordinates.  For their superiors, the ability of the managers to handle difficult situations calmly and coolly was called into question.  For their subordinates, the level of respect these managers need to properly supervise and get the job done has been diminished.  In spite of the "play nice" attitude that the two managers involved may display after the incident, their ability to work effectively together has been compromised.  Overall, everyone in the workplace has suffered because of a conflagration that was neither wanted nor necessary.  Because of these adverse effects, when situations like these occur in the workplace they need to be dealt with immediately.  Even if the managers involved are several pay grades above you in the organization, there are steps you can take to distance yourself from the situation and protect yourself and your workgroup.

When animals and children start to misbehave, one of the most effective means of changing an unwanted behavior is to use redirection.  Trying to pull apart two dogs who are being aggressive towards each other will generally result in more intense fighting on the part of the animals and possibly even an attack on the human trying to break up the fight.  Changing their focus, by introducing a loud noise, a toy, or positive attention (petting, treats, etc.) can help to defuse the situation.  The same principle can be used when dealing with workplace aggression.  When two of your superiors start to take a disagreement beyond the normal boundaries of discussion, it is best to simply stand up, politely say, "We can continue this another time," and leave the room.  Your act of exiting has the immediate effect of taking the focus off the argument.  The secondary effect can be that the individuals involved get a few seconds to catch their breath, and your action may help them realize that their arguing makes others in the room uncomfortable and takes away from productivity regarding the issue at hand.  The end result is that a professional discourse can get back on track, and you may even find yourself the recipient of an apology from one or more of the supervisors involved.

If occurrences like these are frequent and the act of leaving the scene of the crime has no effect, then it may be necessary to discuss the situation with your direct supervisor, even if he or she is involved.  Explain that it is very noticeable that the work-related discussions of certain individuals are leaning less towards work issues and more towards personal ones.  Express your concern that these confrontations are disrupting your productivity and making it difficult to work as a member of a cohesive unit.  (Note that you cannot discuss how these incidents affect others in the group; you can only share what affects you directly.)  If your concerns are overlooked or ignored, and the fighting continues, it may be necessary to share your concerns with someone a level up the chain of command.

If the organization chooses to ignore the situation, what else can you do?  Check to see if your company has an employee assistance program (EAP) where you can seek counsel regarding the situation and ways to deal with it.  Maybe you cannot change the attitudes of management, but you can certainly change the way you deal with it in the workplace.

Finally, if you are one of the individuals involved in recurring squabbles and spats in front of your subordinates, I have two words for you:  GROW UP!  You are being paid to manage, and that includes not only your people but your emotions and personal feelings.  If you cannot manage those, how do you hope to manage your people and create an efficient and productive work environment?  You are not a toddler; stop acting like one!

With all the stress that life throws in our direction, it is not surprising that disagreements in the workplace will surface.  However, it is not necessary to endure the petty bickering that goes on between those who feel the need to engage in a public power struggle.  Use your own skills and the tools offered by your organization to rise above the riff-raff and continue to be a professional, even in a world of screaming three-year-olds posing as adults.

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